How We Feel

I think it is impossible to understand how other people feel. Yet sometimes we wish "they felt like this" so they would know how we really feel. It's funny, one time my wife had the flu and I was doing what I could to help out and was tired myself, but she felt I "didn't really know how bad she felt" and she later admitted that she wished I would get sick so I would know. Guess what? I did, and she later said how bad she felt. Funny now, kinda mean at the time, but I get it. We want to be validated in how we feel, especially when we feel poorly and can't do things we wish we could. I think a lot of people think others question if they really feel that bad. But I don't think others really do. Like sometimes when you call out of work at a bad time, you wonder if your co-workers think. "Do they think I skipped to get out of work? or I was faking it?". I personally doubt other people think that as much as we think they do. I think me wife often thinks I don't appreciate how she feels when she is pregnant. I think this partially because she told me. Another funny story. One of my pieces of advice for dads-to-be is always to avoid saying "I know how you feel" or "I understand" as a condolense phrase. My wife's response was always "No you don't". So I try to avoid that one. Truth is, I don't, but that's not the point. I just want to show I sympathize. So now I try to say things like "I can't imagine how you must feel" and "I know it must be tough for you". Things like that seem to go over better. I think she just wants me to know how she feels to make her feel "okay" with how she feels. I am already okay with it, it is just hard to show that. I know the other side as well because I often wished she could see all I do in a day, and all my responsibilities with the bills, chores, work, school, etc... For everyone, it comes from the need to be validated in ourselves. Not sure why that is the case.

Busy Busy

Trying to do it all is hard. This weekend I got to play golf on Saturday (YA-HOO!). Played terribly, but it was fun. Then my wife headed to NJ for a bridal shower on Sunday. So from Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening, it was just me and the kids. Daddy time. It was a lot of fun, but a lot of work. Makes me appreciate more what my wife, and other "stay at-home" parents do everyday. We had fun. A little shopping at Home Depot. My son "helped me" fix some things around the house. Ya know, just the "big guys", while my daughter napped. Just some good time to spend doing nothing else than being/playing with the kids. There is not enough of it though. Yesterday was back to work/baseball. I didn't get home until "tubby-time" and put my daughter to sleep, then read books with my son. My wife was exhausted from the weekend, the driving, the long day, and of course, being pregnant. She is doing a great job through it all. I cannot wait until baseball is over, then the school year. I have a summer internship for my master's degree, but should have a lot more time for the family. It seems to never end though. Trying to balance being a good-provider and being home for family time is almost impossible. This is something it seems many families struggle a lot with these days.

The WANT to do things

"The Breakup" is a great movie with Vince Vaughn (funniest dude ever) and Jennifer Aniston. There is great dialogue that should make most couples laugh. One of my favorites is when she says to him "I want you to WANT to do the dishes" and he says "why would anyone want to do the dishes" and later something like "I'm sorry I don't have the same desire and enthusiasm about doing dishes as you". In my marraige, my wife has said things similar to that to me. For example, when I ask her if it is okay for me to do something (more on that later), after giving me the okay, and me going and returning, she says "I want you to know that I didn't want you to go". And I'm like "Huh?". Didn't I ask and you say it was cool? Why would you lie to me? Ha. But all these things are along the same line. The common theme is, that we learn so much about each other that we KNOW how they feel (or should) without them telling us, and we should act accordingly. Like knowing she doesn't really want me to go to a baseball game, so not even ask. Or knowing she would be really happy if I cleaned the house when she was out with the kids. These are things that I try to do when I have an enlightened moment and actually get it right. However, all too often I still misread and don't get it right. But it is about the desire to WANT to get it right and improve. I WANT to learn my wife's feelings more so I can act the way that pleases her. Doesn't mean I succeed that often, but the effort is there, and once in a while I get lucky. I know when she does things for me without me asking, which she does often, it's because she is showing me that she knows how I feel and what I want and it makes me feel good and happy when she does those things. She gets it right more than me! But knowing how I feel when she does it, only makes me want to do better.
Going back to asking to do things. I know a lot of guys take heat for this, like "did you ask if you were allowed out?". But how rediculous is this. What type of husband or father would I be if I didn't. Why should I not care about how my wife feels or what she desires. It's kind of the wrong way. People should be asking "did you make sure it was okay with your wife? I wouldn't want to get in the way of anything you had planned" or something like that. Now that may be going a little far, but you get the idea. It's all about respect.

Bring Your Kid to Work Day

Great Day. Not sure how many parents actually bring their kids to work to see what they do, but I sure did. Even though my son is only 3, I thought it would be fun, which is was. I had to wake him up early which wasn't as bad as it couldv'e been. We stopped for breakfast, then in to school. We drew some pictures on the chalkboard, colored, made a card for my wife, played on the computer, and went to the gym to kick around a soccer ball. My mother-in-law picked him up to take him to my house after about 3 hours. That is about the limit for a three-year-old in school. Still, it was nice to spend some time in school with him since I never get to see him during the day on weekdays. I have a student-teacher now which was even better, because I just focused on playing with my son the whole time. Last night when my wife and I were putting him to bed, we were telling him to go right to sleep because he had to wake up early to go to school with daddy (a special treat). He said "just the big guys right dad?". So cute. I had fun. It was certainly a cool day. All the students and the teachers loved him of course, but he was a bit shy from it all. I am sure he will nap well for my wife this afternoon. In the midst of a crazy couple of weeks, when time with the kids has been limited, I am really happy we got to spend that quality time together today, "just the big guys"!

Involvement v Independence

Yesterday was rainy, so I got a rare chance to come home early due to baseball practice being cancelled. I nice surprise. Spent some time rolling around the floor with my daughter (Megan -1o months old). She is getting so big. Crawls around faster than anything, and thinks she can walk like a two-year-old. She constantly wants me to hold her hands so she can walk around. It's fun for a while, until my back starts killing me from being hunched over. And after 10 minutes or so, honestly, I had enough. I'd much rather play on the floor with her toys. She is much more independent than my son though. He needed constant attention. But from what I hear, that is pretty much normal for the first child. My sister (a middle child) has already warned my daughter about the negatives of being a middle child (now that our third is on the way). She's nuts. But both my son and daughter are very happy children. We try to give them a lot of attention and be involved in their play. Which brings me to my discussion topic of the day:

The balance between attention/involvement and independence.
I know that kids need to learn how to play independently. As my son has gotten older, we've kind of encouraged him to "play by yourself for a while". This is tough since he had never had to do that much before. We always played with him. Maybe too much. But sometimes I think that is good early on. For example, when my wife and/or I take him to the park, we are climbing the playground equipment, chasing him and are very hands-on. He loves it. I think some parents would say "they need to learn how to play by themselves", which is another perspective I respect. But when other kids see us playing with our son, they often approach us and ask to join in or play with them to. Or even say things like "look what I can do". All as their parents sit on a bench somewhere, sometimes on the phone, or whatever. I feel bad that it seems they are craving attention. But maybe they need to be playing on their own. Sometimes I make my son do it, just to get a little balance. I don't know what the right answer is, but I know he loves the attention and us being involved in his play. However, there is the downside of him getting upset when we can't. Sometimes when we are making dinner, or paying bills, or feeding our daughter, we tell him he has to play by himself a while. Most of the time he's fine with it, but sometimes he says "But who's gonna play with me?". Sounds sad, but I think it's something we created. That's where finding that balance comes in I think. Anyway, something to think about.

Sunday Funday/Crazy Stressful Trip

We were almost there... A fun trip to the Please Touch Museum in Philadelphia with our two kids. THEN...., I realized I forgot my daughter's bottles. Now you may think, "no big deal, just stop and get some formula from a store". Not so fast. My daughter requires special powdered formula that they don't even keep in stock in any pharmacy (I tried calling them all!). I order it online for her. Anyway, so we call and stop around trying to find it, to no avail. Then we drive 20 minutes to my sister's and decided to leave our daughter with her because she was tired. I drive to a nearby pharmacy, buying bottles, drop-ins, and the formula closest I could find to her "special" formula. She wasn't due to eat yet, so I wished my sister best-of-luck. We took my son to the museum and had a blast. When we returned to my sister's, we found that my daughter slept well, but would NOT eat her bottle (with the different formula). We were supposed to go from there to my parent's for dinner, which now seemed impossible, because we would have to get home quickly so my daughter could have her "special" formula. Luckily, good ole' dad took her up to a quiet bedroom and she proceeded to eat the bottle of formula we bought. Thank goodness. Major stress was deflated and we were able to visit my parent's for dinner and enjoy some time there. Then we headed home to call it a night. Tired and relieved.

Does anyone else get unusually stressed before they go somewhere with the kids? I start going nuts! I start sweating, breathing heavily from running around trying to make sure I didn't forget anything. Ex: Did I get the sound machine, which helps them sleep? Monitors? Blankets? Special animals they like? Extra Clothes? Diapers? Walker? Booster seat? Pack-n-Play? Snacks? Juice? Baby Food? Bibs? Small forks/spoons? Bottles? Wait. Not too early because I don't want them getting warm. THEN BAM! I forget them. Oh, and the dvd player for the car? and the movies my son likes? And their jackets (just in case)?

I go through this list in my head and get so stressed. I start talking loud (not yelling!) to my wife and getting flustered. AHHHH. Happens every time. I don't know why I can't just calmly pack the car and go through the checklist. Gotta get better there. I wonder if others experience this unusually major stress before they go somewhere with the kids?

Finally, (some) family time

So, besides the three hours I spent at a Baseball fundraising event today, I was finally able to spend some time with my family. My wife was feeling a little better today, even though she cannot take her nausea medicine because it makes her "loopy" and tired. Spent the morning finishing some wash, playing with the kids, and letting my wife finally get some rest. She works three nights a week, night shift, 9pm-5am. So some days she is with the kids all day while I am at work and baseball, until sometimes 8pm, then she has to go into work until 5am. This is all while being pregnant and feeling like crap. I don't know how she does it. It literally takes her days to catch up, so when I can (which is rare), I let her sleep a little extra. We had dinner together this evening, went to the park, and enjoyed the time together. Now it's time for my wife and I to spend some time together, and we were going to watch a movie, but she is exhausted. It's funny, she just let out a belch (which she only does when pregnant, but does well) and said, "I hate being pregnant". Ha. She says that multiple times a day. Third pregnancy, none easy. Anyway, tomorrow I look forward to church, family time (maybe another park), and just relaxing with the family. A great day!

Funny Story

I always thought about writing a book for dads. Something along the lines of the "mom book" titled What to Expect When You are Expecting. I would just title mine: "What to Expect When Your Wife is Expecting". I could break it up into four quarters like a football game! Anyway, I thought of an opening line right away that always makes me laugh. It would go something like this:
During my wife's first pregnancy she asked my (perhaps hypothetically), "will I ever feel normal again?". I distinctly remember thinking: "God, I hope so".

That kind of sums up some of the uncertainty that newly pregnant moms and dads face. I am sure many moms and dads have felt this way during a pregnancy, desperately seeking that light at the end of the tunnel. I know now, the answer is YES! Things will never be the "same", but you will feel normal again, and things will be normal again. Just much busier!

Introduction

Hello everyone,
I am a 29 year old, married, father of two, with one more on the way. I decided to start a blog where I can share my experiences as a dad and as a husband of a wife who is pregnant. There are many pregnancy books for moms, but not a lot of great ones for dads-to-be. I figured I'd share my experiences to maybe help others understand what dads go through, or that there are dads out there going through similar things.

So, here's my first blog post:
I am a full-time teacher, school baseball coach, part-time real estate agent, and graduate student. That being said, I try to to everything well, including being a husband and dad.
However, at this point, my wife is nine weeks pregnant and I am feeling helpless. The last two days I haven't gotten home from being out working all day until after 10pm. This is tough because my wife and I have a 3 year old boy and a 11 month old girl, and my wife is pregnant. Dads and dads-to-be may or may not know that a woman nine weeks pregnant is often nauseous and has little-to-no energy. My wife described the feeling as being like "something is sucking the life out of me". Which, I guess, is the baby inside of her. My wife had two tough pregnancies which consisted on extreme nausea (requiring medication) and sciatica (leg and back problems/pains). When not pregnant, we often joke about how bad she was. But when pregnant, we don't even go there. Somehow, it's not as funny. Anyway, I have been so busy with teaching, coaching, real estate, etc.. that I have been seriously lacking in my responsibilities as a husband and dad. I miss my kids, wife and wish I was home to help more. I usually take care of most of the wash, the dishes, and some cleaning, but now I feel responsible to do more to assist my wife who is struggling, and I am just swamped and unable to most of the week. I think this makes my wife feel bad because she cannot physically do it. She tells me she feels "like a wimp" and wishes I understood how she felt. I do understand she doesn't feel well, but I know she feels like I think she's week. I DON'T, and tell her this often, but I know she doesn't believe me. I can tell you, when my wife is feeling good, she is non-stop cleaning, playing with the kids, and DOING EVERYTHING!!! So I know when she is not, she must be feeling terrible. It's just her way. I wish I could prove to her that this is truly how I feel, and I really don't think she is lazy or anything like that. It's tough. I know she also feels guilty that I am running around non-stop, working multiple-jobs, and doing all I can to provide for my family, while still trying to be a good dad and husband. But I really don't mind. I just wish I could do more/better. I wish she believed that it was okay with me. I don't mind doing what I do. I wish I could do more. Anyway, I will leave it there for today.
More about daddyhood and husbandhood to come.